genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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