I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
