duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
