they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
