She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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