were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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