so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
