How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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