Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
