Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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