hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize