i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
