U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
