We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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