I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
