I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
