Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
