well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
