My underwear smells like fireworks.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
