i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
