There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
