My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
