I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
