I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
