i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
