Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You ruined the universe
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize