I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
