So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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