Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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