Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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