Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
