i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
