The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize