It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
