Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
