If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
