Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
