did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
