In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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