don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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