he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
