my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
