he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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