cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
