it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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