so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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