Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize