Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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