god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize