i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
