remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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