Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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