nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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