sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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