My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
