everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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