I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
