I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
