false alarm. still invincible.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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