I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
