The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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