he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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