WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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