At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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