I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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