i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
