once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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