It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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