This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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