I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
