guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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