I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
