just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
