i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
